The Value of Death- Intellectual Suicidal Inquiry (CW)

When someone goes through the process of enrolling in counseling services, the question is always asked.  

“Are you experiencing any suicidal thoughts?”  

From my experience within the mental health system, and through my education in psychology, I know that this must be answered carefully. Typically, I just say no. Generally, they ask if you have a plan for suicide, or access to any weapons that may be used for self-harm. My answer to that is unequivocally “no”, but the thoughts… they still linger.  

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Today I Wrote

Today I wrote something beautiful. I was filled with inspiration, and the perfect words flowed from my fingertips, like honey on a sunny day. My heart did not pound with existential dread, wondering when I would be struck with a creative spark. I did not pace or fidget. I did not curl up into a blanket and question if my writing was worth anything at all. I did not feel my temples pulsate with angst or yearning. I did not feel the quiver of my breath while sighing in defeat, oh no.

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Impostor Syndrome

I heard the term float around, but never felt it actually applied to me. “Impostor Syndrome.” It made sense, the idea of self-doubt, as it was something that was very familiar to me. I didn’t ever think about feeling like an impostor, though. That word seemed like it had intention, and implied some sort of purposeful deceit. Therefore, the thought of being an “impostor” was foreign to me, as excessive honesty, sometimes to my detriment, was my number one value.

Once I got promoted at my new job, the feelings of doubt began to set in. Thoughts like, I must be putting on a good front, nobody knows what a mess I am, soon they will realize that I’m not all that great, and even they only promoted me because of my looks.

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The Journey Continues


March is almost over, and with April right around the corner and the days getting longer, I have been seriously motivated to kick some ass in my creative and professional endeavors.

I have started compiling all the pages of my upcoming book, putting it in the perfect order, fitting art pieces with the right poems, and am so excited to see it finalize and come to fruition. The writing part has been a long journey over several years, but my patience has run thin with getting the final product ready for publication. I am way too excited to turn my chaos into creation, but embarking on this path has been nothing less than divine and marvelous.

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