New Year – Still Me

I started 2020 in relapse.

After over a month of failed attempts at sobriety, I threw in the towel.

Trauma is good at that—convincing you to give up and submit to hopelessness and despair.

Abusers are also good at that— making an intentional effort to sabotage your attempts to heal through the use of lies, manipulation, and psychological torment. I believed them, and continued to believe I could never heal from my past, my pain, my fear.

Little did I know, I was already on the path to recovery. The seed was already planted in my mind. An ugly start did not mean there wouldn’t be a beautiful ending. A lot of plants are fertilized in literal shit, and they still come to bloom. I prayed for guidance. The seed began to sprout.

I ended 2020 sober. ⭐️

I started 2021 sober. ⭐️

I worked a lot on forgiveness. I worked on understanding forgiveness as a language of universal compassion, one that must be given consistent effort, or it may be forgotten. I worked on forgiving myself and I worked on forgiving others. I can’t tell you which one was harder, because they are both damn hard, but in their own ways. I like to think I made a lot of progress in both.

I worked on healing, growth, and love— to myself and to others. This may sound sparkly and idealistic, but I am here to tell you it is not. It is messy, raw, authentic, and spirit-shaking. If you want to heal, and are expecting sunshine, rainbows, and easy liberation from your mental afflictions, I am here to tell you that your expectations are unrealistic.

I worked on making room for grace. There’s a lot of room for grace in our lives, but I often found that space full of shit, like fear, blame, shame, avoidance, and rage. I sifted through all those things searching for truth, and found that grace does not exist separately from it. I am still sifting. I am still learning.

I worked on recovering. I am not recovering from substance abuse. I am recovering from deeply-rooted trauma, and a chronic spiritual sickness where the symptoms include debilitating alienation and crippling loneliness. I learned that recovery looks different for everybody. I was blessed with many opportunities to share love and encouragement to people who also wished to recover and/or partake in sobriety. I am recovering my truest self. (She is super duper cool btw).

I worked on a lot of things. It’s working.

I am ending 2021 sober. ⭐️

I will be starting 2022 sober. ⭐️

And I am here to tell y’all, for the millionth time,

IT. GETS. BETTER.

YOU! Yes, YOU are worth it! You deserve peace, contentment, and freedom from your fear, self-doubt, and guilt. YOU have value, intrinsically, INSIDE! Your spirit, soul, mind, personality, whatever, your unique, individual YOU does not have to suffer needlessly. Pain is part of life, but we don’t have to make it harder, and we CAN increase our happiness. You are worth the effort, you are worth the work. Give it to yourself. And then once your cup is full, your light will naturally overflow and fill others too.

There are a lot of waves, but we don’t have to drown. 🌊

It gets better. I promise.

As the days get longer and the sun gets brighter, seek the light. ☀️

Happy calendrical New Year my friends!

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