Reflection (1)

This is what domestic violence looks like.

It’s subtle. It’s dark. It’s slithering and insidious. It’s a candle in the pitch black that’s about to go out.

Imminent. Haunting. Waiting.

You know it’s there, but crippled by fear, addiction, and/or loneliness, you lay down to enjoy what feels like your final moments.

This was exactly three months before I ended up in the hospital- on account of people I naively thought I could trust. I knew. We all knew. But like puppets, we were all a part of a sick and twisted show, denying awareness, and relishing in colorful fables about villains and victims.

I am still learning why I stayed. Why I let myself fill the role he wanted me to play. Why I let myself spiral. There are a lot of things to uncover from the grave that I laid in for so long.

Sometimes I think people feel like I should just “get over it”, but it’s not so easy. The mental warfare and the spiritual betrayal that comes along with something so sinister is a deep wound that takes lots of time to heal. My wrath became a heavy, black tar that filled my chest until it escaped out of every orifice, sticking to everything around me without warning. The feeling of being misunderstood turned me into a ghost that only survived by floating in a sea of booze, waiting to drown, but being too afraid to leave this life.

It has gotten better with time. I am stronger now. I am committed to healing and evolving. I am committed to understanding, forgiving, and thriving.

This time of year is always hard for me. May 6th, 2019 is the day I faced my biggest fears. It is better than last year, for sure, but still hard. How sad this little alien was. Desperate to belong, she planted her seeds in the wrong place. In a big garden full of turds and cockroaches. The drugs let her believe they were precious jewels and caterpillars.

Luckily that is in the past, and sobriety has helped tremendously, but sometimes it feels very real and very present. PTSD is no fun, but has also given me an opportunity to cultivate my soul into the magnificent creature I strive to be.
Two years later, and I am very proud to be where I am.

Look for the signs. Google them if you don’t know. Practice being patient. Listen. Don’t be complacent. Stand up for yourself and for loved ones. Walk away from that which does not encourage your growth. Reduce unnecessary suffering.

Nobody deserves to be abused.

For now, I have a lot of work and some deep introspection to tend to. If you read this, thank you. And please try be kind to others. We never know what battles they may be fighting. 

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